I am clingy
I try not to be
But how can you help yourself
Not to be
Close to the one
You love

 I'm sorry
If I appear clingy. 

Feels so right
Yet so wrong
I'm not good enough for you.
But I wonder,
Does all this matter to you?
Sorry, for disturbing you.

Dug out some old stuff I'd written.  

What could possibly happened
A better relationship
Or
A partner full of annoyance
When love has so much to give
We just stood there and watch
How love kills us all
For we don't know how to cherish it.

Will you wait for me? Cause I’ve been waiting for you for too long. But I don’t want to screw this thing up. And yes, I’m still willing to wait for you too. The right time. The right moment. I really had a bad day. I know time will come I won’t feel that way anymore. I promise to fix my self completely before falling again. You deserve so much more than what I can give now. I want to be fair to you and totally honest with my self. I want our love to be worth having…worth waiting for and definitely worth fighting for.

The things on this page are just a few things I want to finish before the God takes me away from this place!

 I’m do creating a list of some of the accomplishments I plan on achieving, including some BIG ones. This list is about long term thinking. I will not add those things I want to do, but haven’t done yet, if I could easily go do it tomorrow if I chose to. Everything on my list had to require some kind of work or effort on my part. They will all take time and money.

So here it is, finally

So there you have it. I can promise you one thing about this list. As time goes on, I’m sure some of these will change as somethings become more important to me than others. It was surprisingly easier than I had thought, but also very emotionally challenging. I don’t know why exactly, but I was brought to tears many times while composing this list.  Maybe it was because it brought to the forefront the things that really matter in life. 

MARCH 9, 2016
To The Boy Who Emotionally Destroyed Me
by: Stefanie Manzi

I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting on her bedroom floor, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tried to make sense of it all. Now, I want you imagine my face because that girl was me, and I was never good enough for you. I was constantly coming second to dozens of other girls. You made me feel completely worthless. You emotionally ruined me.

I don’t hate you, though. Instead I want to thank you.

Despite it taking me months, I finally realized that it wasn’t me not being good enough for you, but you not being good enough for me. These words have resonated with me for some time, and I am constantly reminding myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of love that was handed to me on a tarnished silver platter. I deserve better than being ignored, I deserve better than being manipulated, and I deserve better than you.

I know I’m not the same girl that was on my bedroom floor that night, because I would never give someone complete power over me where I lost control; complete power over me where I felt I was worthless.

I was consumed by nothing but negativity, and for a while I thought you were my only source of light. I was drowning and every single day I woke up and hoped your hand would pull me up to the surface and save me. I was wrong. That night was the night I realized your hand was never there to save me, but instead there to push me deeper below the surface. The only hand I needed was my own.

You were my darkness and it took me too long to realize this.

I know you’re a good person, but next time you ask yourself what it was you ever did to me I want you to think of the girl crying on her bedroom floor. I want you to think of the girl that couldn’t sleep because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become her own personal hell. I want you to think of the girl who couldn’t eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused from thinking she did something wrong. I want you to think of the girl who hated herself so much she had to force herself to get up in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. I want you to think of the girl who had countless silent breakdowns, hoping her parents wouldn’t hear. I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden.

And now I want you to think of the person I have become, and I want you to know that I am thankful for you creating a monster. I’m no longer a monster, and I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others that I am worthy. I am thankful you were a part of my life, because you became the best & worst thing to happen to me.

I do hope you’re happy, and just know I don’t regret you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, I just wish you the same happiness that I can finally experience every day. Thank you for engulfing me in darkness, thank you for helping me grow, and thank you for pushing me further below the surface. Too many great things have come from that darkness. Too many great things have come from you.

Originally posted on Thoughtcatalog.com