An Open Letter
19 April
Dear MIRinda Strawberry,
I don’t know how you expect me to respond, but the only thing I can do is be honest. Quite frankly, you broke my heart, but it’s ok. You shattered it into a million fragments, leaving them in a complete and utter mess on the bathroom floor, but it’s ok. Saying that we left things on ‘good terms’ is without a shadow of a doubt the biggest understatement of the year. But you know what? It’s ok.
Your need for constant self-gratification was overpowering and that pantomime of a lie you played, you did pretty well. But, despite all of the hurt you put me through. All of the sleepless nights you gave me. All of the emotional marks you left on my heart. And all of the tears I cried; I forgive you.
I forgive you for all the hurt you caused me. I forgive you for all those petty arguments we had. I forgive you for your unforgettable behaviour. I forgive you for all your adulterous liaisons. I forgive you for all the hurtful words you said and above all else, I forgive you for letting me go. Because what I have come to realise is that no matter how hurt I was, how betrayed I felt and how overwhelmingly destroyed my life became at the time; it was for the best.
I think about him every night. I read our old conversations. I browse through our old pictures together. I remember our late night phone conversations. I reminisce from how we first met, to when we started dating, to our first kiss, and to before things started being off between us. I recite our conversations in my head as if it was a movie script.
I try to relive every single moment. I recall your smile, your voice, your touch, your laughs, your fart… everything. And I recall the feelings that came along with them.
To you who are thinking that I’m doing all this because I miss you, you are wrong. But I do miss someone… Just not you. You know who I miss? I miss me. I miss the me I was when I was with you.
I miss how playful I was around you. I miss how I laughed at your stories. I miss how I felt safe around you. I miss how protected I felt with every hug. I miss how I felt beautiful without having to dress fancy. I miss not giving a shit on what other guys think of me because all that mattered to me was what you thought of me.
I miss how I get annoyed when you teases me. Heck, I miss every single emotion. I miss my smile. Because right now, all I have is sadness. And tears. And pain. And I’m tired of it all.
It doesn’t matter how bad our break-up was. It doesn’t matter who gave up first. It doesn’t matter if you replaced me so easily. What matters is this: I was happy. When we were together, you made me feel special. You made me feel alive. You made me happy. You loved me.
Now that you're gone, you took a part of my happiness with you. Yes, I can still be happy without you, I know. But since the break-up, I’m less happy. You was a part of my everyday routine. And now that you're gone, I can’t just change everything in a snap.
I have to gradually ease my way to it. I know someday I’m going to be able to fill my happiness again. The part of me that you left empty, I’m sure it will heal someday.
But at the moment, I’m adjusting. Slowly. I’m moving on. And this is part of it.
I just want to be happy again. I miss it. I’m just always here for you.Yes, even though I’m not around, remember that I’m with you, always. In spirit haha. But seriously, yes.
Image by : wimpydrawings
I love Khai
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