18 October

So here’s the truth for me.
I betrayed myself first. Well before she betrayed me. This last few weeks I have wallowed in my own disappointment about this, about creating the same thing again, about losing myself to someone so undeserving.
But it hasn’t served me to be disappointed or angry. I thought at first I was angry at her for being a totally disappointing narcissistic bastard, but really I was angry at me for being the kind of friend who could love another totally disappointing narcissistic bastard for so long, instead of wisely and bravely leaving at the first sign of narcissistic bastardom.
The truth? I betrayed myself long before she did. I betrayed myself by giving and giving and giving and not asking for what I needed. I betrayed myself by making OK all the things that were not OK. I didn’t prevent this happening, I just lost myself and my own power in the process of trying to make she happy. And as a result I became mad and unhappy. I compromised what I believed a family to be, I didn’t do all the things I loved with the people I loved and in the end I questioned my own sanity. In the end I thought I was crazy.
I have wasted so much time already being caught in this place where I want to be angry about her betrayal. But the person I most need to forgive is me.
I watched this a while ago. And then again last night. And this time I really got it.I betrayed myself first.  I deserved better and my girls deserved better she WAS RIGHT. And I was so mad at her that I wanted to say 
“Fuck you, let me decide what we deserve and what’s going to make me happy!”.
Thank you, for making that choice for me, I’m not lost anymore and you were right.

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